


Remember Every Word

by wormdelivre



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Character Death, Fix-It of Sorts, Flip Phone, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 13:38:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15931547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wormdelivre/pseuds/wormdelivre
Summary: After a very hard day Tony starts drinking alcohol again and calls Steve on the flip phone.Prompt #10 Things you said that made me feel like shit





	Remember Every Word

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for the anon who prompted "Stevetony for #10 because I love to suffer" Well I hope you enjoy this angst.  
> Prompt #10 Things you said that made me feel like shit
> 
> I'm not really sorry for writing it but it was not an easy write. Have 'fun' reading.

“I think it’s time we have a talk.”  
Tony was sitting in his chair in the workshop, with the flip phone, _the_ stupid _flip_ phone that Steve sent him with the stupid letter in the mail like it was still two thousand and fucking seven. It was in his hand, pressed against his ear.

He knew he shouldn’t have it with him wherever he went, shouldn’t charge it every evening to make sure it doesn’t run out of energy, he should leave it in a drawer and never take it out again, or even better, just throw it out.  
It’s not like it’s ever gonna ring. But he didn’t. 

Tony kept with him every second of his day, either in his pockets, in a pocket of his suit or on his night stand and he made sure to never let the battery die. He even had a charging wire in his suit for an emergency.

Rhodey and Bruce had seen him carry the phone,he knew that, and they both had that same sad look on their face but hadn’t dared saying anything. It was hard for Tony to give up this last connection, so for now he refused to.

Today had been a hard day, an exhausting evening and he had went outside to the next liquor store. His penthouse and the communal space of the tower were still an alcohol free zone, a measure put in place because of his last hard day. The team even got J.A.R.V.I.S in to help them keep the alcohol away from Tony, not that Tony couldn’t work his way around that but he rather just go out and buy some himself.

Now, hours later he was surrounded by a lot of bottles, most of them still closed and full. He emptied a few bottles of beer before he changed to vodka but he couldn’t drink much. He was drunk enough to lose his carefully crafted mask of strength that he had displayed lately but still sober enough to realize that drinking wouldn’t help him at all and no matter how much he didn’t want to care about that he knew Steve would be pretty disappointed in him for starting to drink again.

The thought of Steve being disappointed in him was what made him pick up the bottle of vodka that sat next to him again. It was cheap stuff that tasted disgusting but he didn’t care anymore. 

After a while of pondering about Steve he pulled out the flip phone from his pocket, flipped it open and quickly navigated through the menu too the only saved number. _Steve R_. Steve himself saved the contact into the phone and Tony still wondered why he put the R in there, as if he didn’t know _which_ Steve the number belongs to. Out of an impulse, probably thanks to the alcohol, he pushed the key to dial the number, and now here he was about to tell Steve everything he wanted to tell him for a while.  
  
“You know what we need to talk about?” - it was a rhetorical question and he didn’t even stop to wait for an answer - “We need to talk about what you said and what you did that just hurt. And I don’t-, Steve, I don’t even know _where_ to fucking start.”  
He took another sip of the vodka bottle and swallowed it down together with the urge to cry.

“Why, Steve? Why couldn’t we just talk about everything?” He sighed.  
“Why couldn’t you just tell me Barnes killed my parents. You could have done it in the tower where we could have a real talk about it, where I wasn’t already on the edge because of the threat of more super soldiers. Why couldn’t you told me while we searched for Bucky together? Oh right,  you _never_ asked for my help. - Why Steve? Because I wouldn’t understand it? Didn’t I understand that we pause the ‘dating’ after SHIELD fell? I understood, you wanted to look for Bucky. I would have done the same for Rhodey without even thinking about it. That’s what you do for friends right? And you made very clear that Bucky was your friend.” Tony scoffed, trying to keep the sadness down.

He remember the one time Steve told him that Barnes was his friend. The fight in Siberia. Tony couldn’t remember everything, only snippets, it had all happened so fast.

“You know, I still don’t know what had hurt more. Finally finding out what exactly happened to my parents or realising you knew it but didn’t thought it was worth telling me. I don’t blame Barnes for killing them, I did in the first few minutes of course,  but I do blame him- for wielding a wedge between us.” He paused again, trying to remember how Barnes has acted during the fight.

“No, scratch that. It wasn’t his fault either. You allowed for it to happen, you allowed it, by not telling me. Why didn’t you just talk to me back than, Steve?  Didn’t you scold me after Ultron that  ‘ _We are a team and a team needs to talk to each other about everything_ ’. Yeah, right.” Tony paused again, thinking how Steve had promised him, they would defeat Ultron _together_ , although it had been mostly _Tony’s_ fault. Things had been easier between them while they defeated Ultron.

Tony had Steve called his boss and Steve looked at Tony like he had during their dates and had said “I’ve got no plans tonight.” like he wanted to flirt with Tony again.

“Remember how we shared that room at Clint’s farm because there weren’t enough rooms for everyone? And you wanted to be a gentleman and sleep on the floor but I insisted the bed was big enough for both of us? I miss that, sharing a bed with someone. I miss sharing my bed with you. I miss you- ” Tony had to clear his throat before he could continue talking. His anger had simmered down and left only the sadness.

“Did you think, back when we met on the helicarrier, that we would end up being together? I still remember meeting you for the first time, after all the great things I heard from dear old dad. At first, you seemed like the most boring guy ever with a stick up his butt. How you called me egoistic and that I was nothing without my suit. I didn’t show it, but that stung pretty hard. I never told you, because I got to know you better. You were only a few weeks out of the ice and they hadn’t gave you time or the opportunity to adjust yourself, no Fury just threw you into this mess. I had a hefty argument about that with him, did you know? You actual got your time to adjust, living in the tower with the team, and me, and we became friends and I got to know you, Steve, not Captain America, but Steve Rogers, they guy underneath the cowl. It’s him I fell for all this years ago- “, this time his voice finally broke and there where the glistening of a tear in his eyes.

“I fell for you, and after all that happened I still love you. That’s why I agreed on a second chance, Steve. T’challa and Shuri helped Bucky fix his brain and we could fixed our friendship. After everything that happened it was still so fragile but it worked again and I remember the first night you came into the penthouse again, woken up from nightmare and looking for comfort. I know it must have cost you so much to even try coming to me. We worked again, as friends, as teammates, as partners and I forgave you,  Steve - ” the tears where now silently running down Tony’s face “ I forgave you for everything that happened, for all the times you hurt be before but I can’t- I can not forgive you for giving your life to save me. For leaving me forever.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't hate me already please check out more of my short writing at  
> https://wormdelivre.tumblr.com/tagged/worm+writes


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